Lions and Tigers and Ann Coulter...Oh My!

So, I was riding the escalators at the Holborn Tube station, today, looking at all the bright posters that are supposed to draw your eyes away from the monochrome doldrum of rush hour with promises of beach vacations, tightly muscled bodies, and fantastic adventures, and I thought about all the ridiculous things that I've seen in London, such as, advertisements for a beach vacation in the Tube while most people's minds are very, very far away from the beach. I wonder how many people actually call the number at the bottom of that poster, because on their way to work they were impulsively struck with the desire to go to Morocco and simply had to dial that number, riding up and down the escalators multiple times until they got all the numbers right. Hmm, perhaps the mental image is a bit more adequate when you've actually been at the Holborn Tube station during rush hour, but alas, I digress. Anyway, I thought I'd make a list of the ten most ridiculous things I've seen so far in London, and amazingly enough, underground beach vacation posters do not make the list. So, here we go. (Think David Letterman here people)

10. The guy walking down the street with the two foot tall spiked mowhawk. (Please understand that I have no problems with the "Punk" lifestyle, but instead am humored by the irony of a lifestyle that supports anarchy causing someone to force their hair into a preconceived notion of a certain institution, i.e. punk, which therefore goes against the very thing they're supposed to stand for. That, and the guy probably spends more time than the average super model in front of the mirror trying to convince the world that he really doesn't care).

9. Everything is now a musical. Do you want to see Lord of the Rings, Gone With the Wind, and Billy Eliot all set to music with lots of singing, dancing, and choreography? Well, here you can.

8. Taking number 9 a step further, who's interested in seeing the musical "Into the Hoods". That's right. Into the Woods goes urban. And no, I'm not making this stuff up. I couldn't if I tried.

7. Mopeds! Well, for a motorcycle rider like myself, it's pretty self explanatory. But to see two grown men, one in short pink shorts with a tennis racket and the other in a business suit, both wearing white cue ball helmets riding the same little black moped, well, it just sticks with you. But I am amused by all the moped riders in business suits, their little ties flapping in the wind. It kind of makes you all warm and fuzzy inside.

6. Property Values. OK, so this one's a bit more serious than the last, but I can't understand why property values are significantly higher in London than they are in places like New York City and Los Angeles. I mean, seriously, they are ridiculous. I saw one that was $1,000 US for a bedroom and ensuite bathroom a month, but you had to share the apartment with another couple, and it wasn't in a particularly expensive part of town.

5. Tourists, mainly from my program. I cannot tell you how many people in my program have gone to stores like Gap and Nine West, all of which we have back home, and bought things at about twice the price it costs back home. It's the same with fast food. "Ooo, I'm in London for six weeks. I think I'll have a Big Mac and that blue cable-knit pullover, no, the one on the other shelf, yes, that's it...Hmm, well now what can I do?"

4. Tube announcements: When things go wrong in the US, normally it's veiled by the Powers that Be. So if a bus or train has problems, it's due to a mechanical problem, equipment problem, or some other code term that could mean anything from, bus driver had to take a potty break to the engine's about to explode. What do they do in London: "We are currently suffering severe delays on the Piccadilly because of a person under the train."

3. Rush Hour. I'm sorry, maybe it's just because where I come from, rush hour means someone's tapped a new keg and if you don't get to it in the next five minutes you'll have to wait for the skinny kid in front of you to finish his keg stand and that's totally going to kill your buzz, but people here seriously freak out during rush hour. In Bloomington, early morning on campus kind of resembles a funeral procession. Lots of dour, sad-looking students, taking very resolute steps as if attempting to walk the plank and yet do it with courage and grace. But here, it's a free for all. I think I saw a woman in high heels and a tight black skirt try to pile drive a man in a business suit for space on the train. And, I'm pretty sure some of the mopeds are packing heat-seeking missiles for those pesky traffic jams. I've never seen so many people running, jogging, sprinting, pushing, shoving, back handing, sucker punching, eye gouging...well, you get the point. But you'd think after a certain amount of time, people would have learned how long it takes them to get from point A to point B and could do it without causing physical violence.

2. Dolce and Gabbana: Please, understand that I have no problems with fashion what so ever. What I do have problems with is the headless torso of the heavily muscled, very ummm...well endowed man that I see in tighty-whities every morning when I go to the South Kensington Tube Station. Mainly because, no matter how many times I walk by that large poster nearly as tall as I am, he will never come to life, step out of his poster, whisk me away on his white horse (which has suddenly materialized in the South Kensington Tube Station) and take me to live happily ever after in his mansion on the edge of Lake Como (which has also suddenly materialized, just go with it). Ah, Dolce and Gabbana, how you tease me.

1. The Snake Stone, a book by Jason Goodwin. Which I have seen posters up all over the place for. Let me simply close with this as to why it is the most ridiculous thing I have seen in London. It is a story about a detective. Sounds harmless enough. I have 9 words for you. 19th-Century Ottoman detective, who happens to be a eunuch.

Good Night, Ladies and Gentlemen!

Safe Travels!
~P